Cancer/Writing Journal # 84

 

       

                                      Behold, I Stand at the Door and Knock (Rev. 3:20).

Lord, give it a good loud rap, no gentle tap,

And if I don’t respond, do it again...and again.

I should never be irritated with you

But sometimes, I fear I can be.

Please, please, don’t let my irritation chase you away.

Respond to the part of me that wants you always.

Burn off and leave as dross the rest.

Surely what wants you is the real me,

Not some outward thing intended for show.

I’m right about that, aren’t I?

If I’m not right, make it so.

Make what wants you the real part

And burn off the rest.

Lord, don’t stop knocking.

This is what I wrote for my most recent writer's group.  It was respectfully received I thought although, unless I misheard (which I may have), one of the participates referred to it as a "guilt poem" which is not how I would see it.  More of a struggle or a challenge than an expression of guilt.  That's at least what I intended.  Indeed, guilt is not a concept that is referred to or really much in evidence, at least in my small corner of the Christian world.  Although a confession of sinful behavior or more often, sinful tendencies would be common, this would not be an occasion for guilt but rather, again a challenge or maybe an opportunity to speak of God's grace in response to that sin.

In my adult life, guilt is a term used in relationship to Christianity pretty much exclusively by people who once went to church but no longer do.  It is spoken of in tones of disparaging amusement.  Church as an agent for inducing guilt would be the theme.  Now there surely are some churches where following the rules is a point of strong emphasis.  Maybe what such churches do is induce guilt.  I've never seen it but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  However, I am tempted to suspect that at least some of the guilt talk occurs because the speaker feels guilty for no longer going to church.  I understand that I can't be called an unbiased observer but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.

As I see it, guilt is an emotion from those who are unprotected,  left out in the cold.  For myself,  unprotected and out in the cold is not where I feel myself to be, for all my agonizing over the shortcomings of my relationship with the Lord.  Truth be told, those shortcomings just might not be quite so bad as I let on.  Self-righteousness is something that I wish to avoid like the plague.  Could be I go a little overboard in the process of avoiding.  But not much.

My friend, Jan Carroll, reports that she thinks of David writing (or singing) the Psalms when reading my spiritual poems.  That is very high praise indeed.  However, I just possibly find in the Psalms a model that I can use or maybe something like permission to lay out the raw, unlovely things going on in me as David did.  Just remarkable confessions of some really bad feelings go on in those Psalms. Makes you say, "Whow-hoo-hoo" when you read some of them.  But then, by the end, things seem pretty much straightened out and God is good.