Cancer Journal #13 Jan 15
In Blog #10, I expressed the idea that this is not the place where things are right. That may have left some readers with the question, “What, are we just supposed to accept things remaining bad—not seeking to end war, tolerating poverty and childhood hunger, shrugging our shoulders as greenhouse gases and world-wide temperatures rise? That doesn't seem right.” Jan Carroll would say that I’m processing my diagnosis. Other less charitable readers might wonder if the cancer has reached my brain. Perhaps a refinement is in order.
We fix things. A picture frame is crocked, we straighten it. People want to get across a river, a ferry service is started, then a bridge is built. The great movement of humanity is in the direction of improvement, not fatalistic acceptance of what needs improvement. Maybe our fixing things can be something like practice for heaven. At its best, I think it might be.
There is an odd portion of the Lord’s Prayer, “Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.” What does that mean? Are we to seek through prayer to have Heavenly conditions and Earthly conditions be identical? Though it gets prayed thousands of times a day, it has fallen seriously short of fulfillment if that's it. Probably the better understanding is that we are to pray that His goals for the Earthly realm be achieved, playing the long game, just as they have for the Heavenly realm, understanding that the goals for each are completely different. Whatever the meaning, it suggests a bias toward favoring improvement on the part of the Lord that we should not ignore.
And yet things can go bad. Really bad. Bad sometimes in a way that there’s just no fixing. What to make of that?
I like Walt Whitman’s line, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself.” As they say nowadays (or at least used to in the recent past), “Deal with it.” As far as the cancer goes, I intend to build the stack in favor of defeating cancer. Careful adherence to medical therapy, diet, hard prayer--push a car stuck in a snowdrift kind of hard prayer. But then acceptance if a loving and wise God knows better.
Love you.
ReplyDeleteThese are some of the big questions, eh? The kind of thing brooding poets sit around contemplating. :) No, things are not right here. And it can really ache to realize that. But maybe it aches precisely because we long for things to be better. And that's kind of a miracle--that we don't give up even though our progress is faltering. Sometimes aren't you amazed that we humans have made it as long as we have? Your images spoke to me: straightening an off-kilter picture, building a ferry to cross a river, and prayer being like trying to push a stuck car out of the snow bank. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI've tried (with imperfect results) to make the world a better place in various different ways at different times in my life. In one sense it's discouraging to think my work didn't have a bigger impact, didn't help more people, or didn't turn out like I planned, but in another sense, despite all that, there WAS some good in my efforts, even if more in how it changed and grew me than in how it changed or grew anyone or anything else. I recall one day as I was visiting my parents when I was in my twenties, chattering on about all my big hopes and activities. As I walked across the room, my dad, sitting on the couch, just very calmly but matter of factly said, "You can't save the world, Jan." This coming from someone who DID save the world in a way through his small but important part in World War II. I guess I'm saying it's complicated. :) And, as you noted, contradictory (Bless Walt Whitman).
I like your idea of practicing for heaven. Or maybe all these things are opportunities to experience the angels of our better selves, and to partake in part in the character of the divine while we are yet "mere" humans.
Your idea to fight hard for life while also doing the inner work to prepare for the possibility of a sooner death than you would like, resonates with me, and in that I cheer you on, my friend.
Sending you and Jean much love.
I Love you Charlie!
DeletePray for you daily as I get fed with encouragement from you,,through your writings.